Leaning into difficult conversations

In my coaching work with leaders and middle-managers, there is one particular type of interaction that emerges time and time again: difficult conversations. So, if you struggle with difficult conversations, rest assured you are not alone. In time and with the right support, we can all grow in this area. Indeed our leadership depends on it.

How do you lean into difficult conversations? Safety is the key ingredient.

Firstly you need to make it safe for yourself. This begins with understanding what makes this conversation difficult for you. Perhaps you worry about becoming overly emotional or not being able to articulate clearly what you mean. Perhaps you fear how others might react or how they might perceive you. There can be all sorts of reasons...the important thing is to understand your reasons. In moments like these your inner critic can dominate and you can get drawn into comparing yourself with others who seemingly have it all together. All this does is slow you down and block your way forward. Set aside the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘oughts’ and have the courage to sit with what is actually going on for you. Acknowledging your fears shifts the focus from why the fear, to how can you strengthen your leadership in such a way that enables you to move beyond the fear.

Some of my work with clients includes helping them to understand their stress response, manage strong emotions, build their resilience in dealing with others’ reactivity and identify unhelpful patterns of relating. Difficult conversations require you to grow not just in your communication skills but also in your emotional intelligence and in understanding relational dynamics. This important inner work builds your core and enables you to hold your own, even in the most difficult of conversations.  

What makes such conversations difficult for you and how might you strengthen your approach?

As a leader you also need to make the context safe for others. One of the key ways to do this is by approaching the conversation with a genuine curiosity, kindness and humility that enables you to see the humanity of the person you are engaging with. There is more to them than the issue at hand. Like you, they too will have their own set of reasons that make these types of conversation difficult. I have found Rosenberg’s principle ‘observing without evaluating,’ particularly helpful here. It can so be easy to make assumptions about why others act or react the way they do. ‘Observing without evaluating’ invites the other person to share their narrative and gives you ‘in-sight’ you didn’t have before. Insight which can often be crucial in helping you make sense of the situation and finding a way forward, together.

Leaders who take the time to listen and understand rather than assume, build trust in their relationships and workplaces and instill a sense of dignity and value in those they lead.

Difficult conversations are difficult because they are quite simply, difficult. Never the less, for those leaders willing to lean in, the rewards are great. Such conversations develop an authenticity and robustness in your relationships and workplaces that create safety and build connection with those you lead. And, as so many clients affirm, these conversations become pivotal moments in your own personal development that strengthen your leadership and increase your capacity for such conversations in the future, not just in the workplace but indeed in every sphere of life.

Genevieve Loaker

Genevieve Loaker is an Executive Coach with a focus on personal and leadership development. Genevieve supports leaders and middle-managers on a range of themes including emotional intelligence, relational intelligence, navigating transitions and building mental fitness. For more information about how to work with Genevieve visit www.gloaker.com.

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